So besides dirt, noise, creepy crawlies and injuries, what else should you be prepared for if you have a boy? Well, one word – PENIS. You will get to know the male anatomy very well.

Not only does it involve a lot of touching, poking and pulling, but expect to see a lot of naked butt cheeks. Boys love to just strip down and run around with nothing on. There are also times when you will be driving or walking somewhere and suddenly your little one says “Mommy I need to pee-pee, pee-pee is coming!!!” It’s not ideal, I know, but this problem is solved quite easily with boys, the one time having a penis makes things easier, oh no wait, having a penis makes lots of things easier in life.

Boys, just like men are constantly fiddling with themselves, or like my husband says “rearranging the package” I keep telling my son “don’t worry my boy it won’t fall off, it is still there” He just laughs. Men will always be touching their penises; this is something we, unfortunately, can’t change. When my boys were little I always tried to make them aware of the fact that they shouldn’t do it in public and that it is not nice to take it out and show it to people. I have had the odd occasion with both of them when they were little where they had gone to the loo and come back butt naked and go“nah nah, nah nah” while shaking their little naked butts and running around.

One night when they were little, I just had to laugh. Both boys were in the bath; first, it was the one year old that I found poking and pulling. I just ignored it and started cleaning him. Then I look over at my 3 year old and he is also sitting there pulling his penis. Now after all the fiddling it has of course gone erect. So I just asked him to please stop, to which he then replied: “I’m just loving it” but what made it even funnier was that he was stroking it like he would when I tell him to love/pet our dog. Enter hysterical inside laughter. I had to leave the room to have a giggle.

You also learn very quickly that the position of that penis in a nappy is quite important before bedtime because it could be the difference between a sopping wet baby in the night or peaceful dry sleep. Always down I learned.

Still, on the topic of Penises, I was quite shocked one day with my first-born. I went to change my tiny little 2 month olds nappy and suddenly he had a surprise for me, nope, not poo but an erection. I couldn’t believe it, he was only 2 months. I immediately called my husband who of course thought it was hilarious and told me it’s very normal. It’s not sexual in any way; it’s just due to blood flow to the area. I later learned that in most babies it also happens just before they have to pee. 

A couple of weeks later, during a very hot summer’s day, I found myself calling my husband again. I got such a shock, his testicles looked different; they were very large, flat and hanging quite far away from his body. Again my husband said it’s normal, “It’s because it’s so hot,” he said. He again found it very funny that I was so concerned. But I mean hello, how am I supposed to know these things? Yes, I vaguely remember something about it from High school biology, but that was decades ago. 

But now I know, when it is very hot the body makes sure that the testicles move away from the body, keeping them cool. When it is cold the opposite happens, the testicles are kept close to the body. The testicles will also draw up during physical activities like running; this protects the testicles from being knocked around. The testicles do this to keep the sperm at an optimal temperature. If sperm isn’t kept at an optimal temperature they can be damaged and this could lead to infertility.

Now that the boys are older, I am more clued up. Now I hear “oh my nuts” or as my youngest sometimes says “oh my nutballs”
As they get older I know the topic will get more complicated and we will find ourselves in awkward positions during the teenage years. A while ago a mom with older boys told me a story of encountering stiff socks on her sons’ floor. After this, my husband asked me what I would do if I were to walk in on one of the boys masturbating. Erm, let’s just say I have made a promise to myself, that when a door is closed I will take the Sheldon Cooper approach to knocking. I shall knock 3 times to ensure that they heard me and also allowing time for them to get ready for me to enter the room, should they need it.

I will be open with my boys when it comes to sex and I have told my husband he will be in charge of the masturbation topic because I understand this could be very embarrassing for them. But I do hope they will always feel comfortable talking to me about anything and I will talk to them about any topic if they come to me with questions. But if I have a choice, that one specific topic will be my husband’s department.

How does the saying go? ‘Men, can’t live with them and can’t live without them”. I can honestly say, I can’t live without my boys.

For those of you who are pregnant with boys who are reading this, boys are loads of fun, there is never a dull moment.